How to Maintain the Guise of Physical Fitness (In a Pinch!)

     There is a health food craze sweeping the world. There are blogs, websites, and T.V shows dedicated to getting fit and healthy. Blog posts about getting healthy and losing weight while (bonus!) eating the way you normally would (as long as it’s “clean”). Success stories of men and women who have “lost half their body weight!” and are willing to now give their secrets to the general populace make headlines and sit and talk with morning talk shows.

     If there was ever a time to get fit and trim, now’s the time! Summer is just around the corner and for goodness sake, don’t we want to look (and feel!) ready for the beach? Or the mountains? Or the Grand Canyon?

     Of course! But really, not all of us have time to devote to 6  hours at the gym or 2 hours to prepare meals for the week…so what are we to do when we find ourselves needing to “look” in shape, without the hassle of actually doing it? (I know there is a proper time and place for things like running, but this weekend I had an emergency and couldn’t manage to get my figure in tip top shape to climb Prague’s very small mountain/very large hill at a medium pace, with a very active and fit boy in such short notice…eek!).

     So here is what I learned from that fateful hike. Some of these I implemented during my rigorous weekend trek and some of these my roommates and I thought up after the fact…for you…so that if you find yourself in a situation where all you can think of is “how much farther to the top” and “kill me now” these femininely tricks just might save your weekending fun (just be sure to hit the gym later!).

How to maintain the guise of physical fitness (in a pinch)

You’re welcome in advance.

1.  Choose the right wardrobe. This is vital to the success of outing. Wear cute, light layers that can be easily carried as your temperature varies throughout the excursion. Add tennis shoes. No matter how ugly they are or make you feel. The older they look the more sport-used they look. TOMS, for example, are ultra-comfy and cute but can, at times, be impractical (see number 18).
2.       Provide a small picnic. That your escort will carry. The plan is to (of course) get hungry half-way up and insist that you stop to eat your thoughtfully prepared basket of goodies. Of course, this takes, well, thoughtfully planning, so if you are going to implement this strategy, think ahead! And take special care to notice what he does and doesn’t like so that you include what he likes in the picnic J
3.   Bring sporting equipment. Not a whole gym full of every kind of ball known to man, but a football or a Frisbee. This also takes prior planning. For example: Does he like football or Frisbee or something else? If so, where can you find such equipment? Do have to buy them or will renting them or borrowing them suffice?
   
   *The following are to be used while the outing is occurring:
4.    Start your constitutional with conversation about past sporting activities and maybe provide a happy anecdote about the last time you were in the same spot. “When I was playing cricket last week…” or “Last time I climbed this mountain/hill with my roommate it had just rained and she wanted to make the trek up the mud paths!” (make sure to leave out the parts about how angry it made you to get your cute flats [because number 1 has always been a problem] very muddy and practically ruined…thanks, Michelle).
5. Comment on the weather. “We haven’t seen the sun in months! It’s so beautiful how the winter sun makes the world kind of hazy and soft!”
6.  Ask a few well thought-out questions. The right questions get people talking. Ask about his interests and hobbies. This generally requires minimal responses from you, and you are free to focus on inhaling and exhaling as normally as possible.
7. As you are making your way up, take advantage of the beautiful views. This can work two different ways. 1. If he takes pictures that will distract him for a minute or so while you try not to collapse behind him and 2. Just enjoying the scenery can give you a moment of respite.
8. Take time to pet the dogs. Point out each dog---even if they aren’t cute and exclaim “Oh look at the puppy!” If you can speak the same language as the dog’s owner ask about the type, gender and the dog’s name and then pet (or pat if you don’t really like dogs) enthusiastically.
9.  Help the elderly. Stop and see if the cute grandma’s that are in better shape than you need any help. Its kind and thoughtful and if the boy is kind and thoughtful, chances are you will get to gasp and gulp as needed, albeit quietly.
10. Suddenly discover a stone in your shoe and make a display of removing it from the premises. “Ouch! Can we stop for just a minute?? I think I have a rock in my shoe!” (Although if there really is a rock in your shoe and it gets in your socks because you aren’t wearing the correct footwear (A-hem…see number 1) make sure your toenails are painted! Although this too may take careful planning so you may want to have this in mind before) (Ben, I really did have a rock in my sock…I promise!).
11.  Play “eye spy” or “20 questions.” As this does not require very much thought on the part of the questioner….just the occasional grunt in the affirmative or negative, it allows for extreme concentration on not wheezing loudly as the mountain/hill gets steeper and steeper and steeper.
12. Take advantage of gusts of wind. {cue the wind} “Whoa! I think I have something in my eye! Can we stop for just a minute, please?” If you are really desperate, take a minute to feel for a particle of dust and after a moment or two ask if your walking buddy can see anything weird in your eye. Chances are, he won’t, but it never hurts to ask! 
13. Thank the Lord for such a beautiful moment. That’s right…I went there….pray! Creation is beautiful and God should be praised and thanked for it….so if you’re really struggling, suggest it and ask if he will lead you in thanking God for the day He has given you J
14. Hear (or see) a hair-raising rustling in the bushes. It is after all nature…there is bound to be rustling in the bushes or brush at some point. (Ben, the ROUS’s were real…they were going after me…and the ducks).
15.   Drop something spherical down the hill. Pull a slinky or your water bottle out and accidentally drop it down and gasp in horror as it goes down into the abyss. Look tragically down with big eyes of horror and choose your tactic: ask quietly if he would please go get it or go into hysterics because you will be lost without your beloved slinky. (it’s like the choose your own adventure books, but real life!)
16.  Take time to admire any architectural designs along the way.  There may be interesting statues or random walls or graffiti to stop and discuss along the way. If you can talk about the history of it without passing out, that might be preferable. But if not, just point it out and say “Wow! Look at that! I wonder what it means. What do you see when you look at this?”
17.  Comment on the positives—and not on how exhausted you are. Asking him to pull your arm as you continue on behind him probably isn’t your best bet (A-hem…).
18.  Accentuate the different terrain as a reason to take his arm. If it’s very rocky, or bumpy, or brush covered ask if you can take his arm over the rough patches. It’s very ladylike to take a gentlemen’s arm when it’s offered. (Ben, I didn’t imagine up the ice…I seriously almost died a bunch of times!)
19.  Point out interesting plant life. This also might take previous meditation, unless you are creative enough to think of plant names on the spot. However don’t plan to use this method with a plant enthusiast. “Why, would you look at the most poisonous mushrooms known to man?? Yeah…they grow right here in Prague! Crazy, right?” (They do actually. Well maybe not in Prague, but definitely in the Czech Republic) and while he is admiring the poisonous mushroom, turn around and cough to mask the need for deep, slow, life giving breaths. 
    These next two are for emergencies only:
20. Head to a boulder or thicket because you “can’t wait any longer!” This seems pretty self-explanatory….if it is an actual emergency, make sure you don’t grab a leaf that may give you a rash…
21.  Depending on the temperature ask for water. This will really only work in 90 degree weather or above….because just a little jaunt would not require one to be so thirsty by the end of it….naturally. 
    And finally!
22.   When you arrive at the top, show surprise at how easy it was and how fast you made it. How did we get here so fast?!!” “That was such great exercise I didn’t even notice how quickly we were walking!” And if you are feeling really brave, brightly suggest “Let’s do it again sometime!” (If he takes you up on it, make sure you prepare for it the next time!)